World's Booziest Rum Balls
Luke Larkin
I know what you're thinking: But it's the middle of summer! Rum balls are a holiday thing! And that's exactly what makes these suckers so special. They just never see ‘em coming. I whipped up a trayload for my brother's Fourth of July barbecue last year and nearly got the sister in law blackout. She just couldn't stop eating them! Something about mashed up cookies soaked in sangria (oop! I've already given away the summer twist!) makes a girl just loosen her tongue, get silly with it. We're about eight rum balls (and four screwdrivers) between us when we find ourselves under the orange tree, the two of us in our summer dresses pretending to pluck sugary globes from the branches like tangerines and giggling like schoolgirls and talking about the men. Another pair of the sinful sweets for both of us and we're sitting in the driveway out front chalking up hangman with the kids. The SIL spells C-H-E-A-T-E-R in hot pink and then we have to sweet talk the neighbor’s girl and tell her we weren’t accusing her, though honestly? “Chipmunking” is not a word, no matter how hard she insists. Anyway, I wash the little hanged man into into the gutter with a margarita before the husbands see. Down go three more grapefruit vodka balls (variety is key!) and I'm holding her hair back while she prostrates before the throne, if you know what I'm saying. I'm telling you, these confections are so killer they'll make a grown woman cry and say the darndest things like a sinner at confession: To be honest I never planned on us lasting more than five years; and I know I was expecting it but Christ, his TA? and You have the most incredible eyes, you know that? I've always wanted to kiss them. Is that weird? Behold the power of the rum ball! None are safe from these devious delights. But between you and me, it's the strawberry basil martini balls that will really do a girl in. Picture this: the SIL, probably fifteen rum balls deep, mascara running like an oil spill over the Niagara as she takes a grill lighter to the hard drive with the hubby's typed-up theory or whatever, something about tectonics I think. And did I let her? Sure! Don't blame me, blame the 'tini.
Ingredients:
4 cups Nilla Wafers
1 ½ cup confectioner's sugar (plus some for the coating!)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Booze of your choice, enough for either total saturation or total inebriation. Your call.
Instructions:
1) Crush wafers in your hands. Feel them between your fingers.
2) Combine dry ingredients. Let it fall through them like sand.
3) Add booze and mix until consistent. Put some muscle into it.
4) Roll into 2-inch balls. Weigh them in your hands. Try not to crush those suckers.
5) Roll balls in confectioner's sugar. Hell, dip some strawberries, too. You deserve it.
6) Serve immediately or freeze for later. Saves for a good while, but will crack sooner or later.
Luke Larkin is an MFA candidate at the University of Montana. His work has appeared in Firewords, Popshot, Barren Magazine, and others. He also helps out with the publications CutBank, Unstamatic, and Visual Verse.
Luke has a brand new story in Issue 7 of Funicular, which is available RIGHT NOW.
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